Securing Insecurities

I started attending a new small group this week that focuses on insecurities and overcoming them. One of the thoughts that came up in the group was how so much of the pressure we feel, we’ve placed on ourselves. I’ve really been thinking about this throughout this week.

Sure, alot of ideals come from the media, or from people we compare ourselves to, or from things we were taught as children and I know this goes a whole lot deeper than I can go here. But really think about it; how many of the pressures and stresses and insecurities that we feel are coming from ideas we’ve created and pressures that we have placed on ourselves? We get so caught up in the “I have to’s” and “I should’s” and “I need to’s” – and for what?! Who says?! 

My husband is much better at relaxing than I am. It’s a proven fact. Often, I’ll be going around vacuuming and doing laundry and doing this chore and that chore while he takes time for himself to relax, and I’ll feel myself getting angry at him because there’s other things I want to do! The other day I stopped myself and asked myself “who says” I need to finish this chore today? It sure wasn’t him, he never puts that pressure on me. It sure wasn’t guests or friends or family, because no one was coming over that day. It wasn’t even an overly important chore. And so, I put the vacuum down and joined my husband watching TV – because the only person who “said” that chore needed to be done was me. And guess what? I wasn’t angry at him anymore. We didn’t have a fight over how I do more (I don’t) or how he never helps (he always helps), because for once, I was able to check my thoughts. (Disclaimer : 1) my husband is fantastic about doing his share of work around the house, and this is by no means a dis at him. He truly is better at leaving things be and resting when he needs it and it’s something I need to become better at. 2) I do understand that at some point, stuff has to be done. Our house is not a pigsty and we are relatively successfully adulting. I’m talking more about that never-ending to-do lists, or those never-stopping lists we have running through our heads).

And then I started to think about how, as a childfree adult, I often “feel” pressure and judgement from those around me and I started to wonder what percentage of the time I’m actually “perceiving” that pressure and judgement when really, none exists. Or, if at the very least, I personally expand on pressures or judgments and make them a bigger deal in my own head. How often do I take an offhanded comment and blow it out of proportion and let it affect my mood, my decisions and my relationships? Because although I’m happy with our decision to not have kids, I do sometimes feel insecurities in regards to this decision. And I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling insecure or sensitive, I tend to try to protect myself with anger or defensiveness. And suddenly, a small comment that someone forgot they even made to me has become this huge deal in my mind and I let this affect my day and drive a wedge between myself and this other person – all because I have an existing insecurity surrounding what they’ve said to me.

And then as I expand this thinking to other areas of my life, I wonder how often I’ve lost peace and gained frustration – for nothing? How often have I let my day take a negative turn because I’ve allowed my existing insecurities to allow a (likely innocent) comment to fester and grow into something ugly? How often have I read into something and allowed something that maybe wasn’t even said to blow up into something ugly? How often have I taken a text or email out of context because it touched a sensitive spot in my heart? Maybe this is just me. I DID have myself convinced that I had made our Google assistant mad at me one day – and she’s a computer, so maybe I’m nuts and no one can relate to this. But maybe, just maybe, this is how everyone works and so much of society’s hurts and frustrations are stemming from people reacting defensively when they perceive someone attacking their insecurities.

And I know that some people can be just plain ugly and mean and hurtful and that some comments are intended to get under your skin. But I can’t help but wonder, if we can sit down and realize what our insecurities are and what hurts us and causes to react with anger or defensiveness (or perhaps in some other way) – how much easier would it be to “let things roll off our backs” so to speak?

Hey…Child Free Adults…I’m Proud of You

This post has been on my mind for quite some time, but I wanted to write it in a way that would offend as few people as possible.

You see, I have nothing against parents. I have family and friends who are fantastic parents and love their children very much. In fact, I really have nothing against kids, I love hanging out with my friends/family and their children. I also understand that parenthood involves sacrifices and sleepless nights and decisions that I, as a child free adult, will not fully understand. I’m not here to debate or demean the things that parents go through for their children. It’s incredible and you parents deserve all the coffee in the world. ☕

But, parenthood is not the end-all-be-all. Parenthood is not the ultimate goal that ultimately defines a successful adult, or a successful life. And that is what I’d like to talk about…

Several months ago, I overheard someone in public telling a new mom that “she was proud of her”. And it really made me think about how adult achievements unrelated to children tend to somehow go unnoticed or to be overshadowed by those related to children.

And so today, to all you child free adults, I’d really just like to tell you how proud I am of you.

I’m proud of those of you working hard to get out of debt. That is a huge accomplishment that will open up so many doors for you!

I’m proud of those of you who have saved to purchase a house or car that you can proudly call your own. There is something very special about doing this.

I’m proud of those of you loving furry, scaly, spiny and hairless babies, and especially those of you loving them into their senior years. This is a whole new level of difficult, and I see you and am proud of you.

I’m proud of those of you attaining a higher education or working hard to move up in your line of work! This is a difficult and sometimes lonely path that you navigate and you’re doing incredible.

I’m proud of those of you who travel, who challenge yourselves by seeing new things and leaving your comfort zone. Travel is often regarded as a luxury and something you’re “lucky to do”, but it’s also difficult and eye opening and life changing.

I’m proud of those of you who take time to volunteer and better your community. It’s often thankless work, but it makes such a huge difference.

I’m proud of those of you standing by your decision to remain child free because it is what you want, despite all the pressures to change your mind. And I’m proud of those of you who were forced into this child free life, one way or another. I’m not in this camp and can only imagine the journey you’ve made. I’m proud of you for making this journey.

I’m proud of those of you who pour energy and time and effort into bettering and maintaining your marriage or your close friendships. It’s easy to take these for granted and it says alot about you when you choose to cherish them.

I’m proud of those of you who are working to discover what you’re passionate about. This is also often touted as a luxury, but it’s hard work, and I can’t help but wonder about what our world would be if more people went through this process.

So here’s to you, child free adults. 🥂 I’m proud of you, and you know what? You should be unapologetically proud of yourself too. As child free adults, we have opportunities that those with children perhaps don’t have (or have to work harder for), but we also face unique challenges as well. I don’t believe there’s any shame in saying so. Ultimately, life isn’t a competition of who has it easier or who has it more difficult. Life is not a battle between those with kids and those without. We’ve chosen (or perhaps been forced to choose) a different path in life than many others have, but it’s still a wonderful, beautiful, exciting journey. One that we deserve to enjoy, to be proud of and to share with others.

 

2020 – New Year, New Decade

I’ve been thinking alot about New Year Resolutions (who hasn’t – even if you haven’t made any, it’s hard to escape the talk surrounding them). Even if you don’t make resolutions, I think the start of a new year (and in the current situation, a new decade) is the perfect time to evaluate where you are in life and where you want to be. Are you the person you want to be? Are you taking steps to become that person?

I have some resolutions written down for myself, but rather than talking about those today, I want to talk about something simpler – and yet more complicated. I want to talk about being in love with life.

Right before Christmas I had a health scare, and although, thankfully, everything is okay, it really made me think about what I have accomplished in my life, what I’ve filled my time with, and what I haven’t yet accomplished and still really want to. It’s funny (not actually funny) how something like a health scare really brings things into such stark clarity and somehow just click all your priorities into place. I wouldn’t wish that fear on anyone, but I almost wish we had more, easier opportunities to really see what matters.

Funnily enough, I wasn’t thinking about those extra 10 pounds that have been bothering me recently. I wasn’t thinking about how I should eat less junk or how I should go to bed earlier or work harder or make more money. But I sure thought about how I need to love harder. Be kinder. Make more time for those I love. Make more time for my true goals, rather than getting distracted by everything around me. Eat more good food. Do more things that make me feel good.

And perhaps the oddest thing that happened was that I saw so much beauty in the normal, mundane things. In going to work. In going to the grocery store. In figuring out relatively simple, everyday problems with my husband. We are so lucky to have the opportunity to do these simple, everyday things that we overlook, and even complain about. How fortunate are we, that for a large majority of our lives, these are the “biggest” issues we need to address.

So this new year, this new decade, even if you’re not one for resolutions, may I encourage you to take a look at your life and ensure it’s going, if not in the way you want it to, at least in a way that makes you happy? That you can look back on, at any point, and say yes, I made the best of this. And while you’re doing this, try to see the magic in your day. In the sunrise that you see while stuck in traffic. On the way the snow looks on the trees while you’re walking your dog. There’s magic and beauty and goodness all around us, if we just look.

What Makes a Strong Woman?

The first National Woman’s Day was in 1909 and was celebrated by the United States on February 28. This day was in honour of women who protested against working conditions during the garment workers’ strike in New York. It was during International Women’s Year (1975) that the United Nations began celebrating this day on March 8. (More history available here) Today, International Woman’s Day is about war cries and “tribes” and shattered glass ceilings and standing up for oneself, all in the name of being a strong woman.

So what makes a strong woman? If you look on the internet or on TV it is about having a strong, outgoing, headstrong personality and not being afraid to reach your goal, no matter how many people you hurt or trample on your way. If you look in your workplace, it’s likely about being the woman furthest up the corporate ladder, who has the biggest paycheque, who is the most outspoken and most feared. If you look in your circle of friends, it’s still the most “popular” girl (didn’t we outgrow this in high school!?), the one with the cleanest house, the happiest family, the most handsome husband, the one who can do it all, and can do it all well.

But I don’t think this is what strength is. I’ve watched people who are considered these “strong, fearless women” and I see their insecurities bubbling up under their facade of power. I’ve seen how they act, especially when they’re feeling insecure. And I’m not saying that having fears or insecurities makes anyone less strong (they don’t), but I’ve noticed that when these fears and insecurities surface, they often make people cruel instead of strong.

There is a fine line and a massive difference between being outspoken and being a bully, between being strong and being mean, between doing what you have to do and being cruel.

So with International Women’s Day as my inspiration, I was thinking a bit about what makes a strong woman. (And trust me, I didn’t just pick out traits I like about myself to stoke my ego! This is a work in progress for me and I fail daily. This is who I would like to be, someday.)

1. A strong woman stands up for herself and others. We are all in this together. It’s great to stand up for yourself, since you are your own greatest advocate, but it’s incredible to stand up for someone else, especially someone who isn’t liked.

2. A strong woman speaks truth full of kindness and grace. Sometimes, the hard truth needs to be spoken in a more blunt way than we would like. But a strong woman does so with kind words. She does so without unnecessarily tossing someone else under the figurative bus. She speaks to speak truth, to better the situation, not to hear herself speak or to cut someone off at the knees.

3. A strong woman doesn’t need to like everyone, or even be friendly with everyone. But she treats everyone with kindness. There are people I simply do not like. I don’t want to get to know them better, I don’t want them to become a bigger part of my life. I do not think there is any issue with this, we are all entitled to choose who we want in our lives, and I for one am picky about this. The people in my life influence how I feel about myself and how I behave. To be quite frank, interactions with certain people exhaust me, and I don’t tend to encourage these.

But we should still be kind to everyone, even to those we do not like, and graceful in our interactions with them. We don’t necessarily need to go out of our way to strike up a conversation, but we should at least have a kind smile and be able to return a “good morning” greeting.

3. A strong woman knows the difference between conversation and gossip and is brave enough to put an end to these conversations. I’m not here yet. Let’s just get that right out there. Sometimes a girl just needs to rant and vent, but it’s so easy for this to turn into a bashing session or to expand into gossip. I try to be mindful of the differences but it is hard. I do try to keep these things to a select group of trusted friends or family members, but the ability to self-censor is huge and is not something I have fully acquired yet.

4. A strong woman reaches her goals without pushing others down. A strong woman is inspired by others’ success, not defeated. I truly believe we can only really succeed when we join together, rather than fighting against each other. This is hard to remember, especially when someone is achieving everything that you ever wanted – and making it look easy at the same time! But there are so many women out there who are amazing supporters, who want to see you succeed and will help to give you the tools to do so. Surround yourself with these people. It’ll become clear very quickly that no one has found that ever elusive “easy street”, some people just hide the struggles better than others.

5. A strong woman is truly kind. I keep coming back to this,  because I believe it is really the biggest piece of being a strong woman. A strong woman doesn’t fake being kind to get ahead, or to become someone’s “friend” to find out that juicy piece of gossip or to make herself look better. A strong woman is just kind. Even when life knocks her down. Even when she is surrounded by people she doesn’t like. Even when she is exhausted. Even when the person needing kindness is a competitor or not necessarily liked.

So those are five key points that I believe make up a strong woman. Like I said, I am not here yet. I have so much growing to do. But it’s something that I aspire to become. I think if we could all be this kind of strong woman, the world, our workplaces, our friendships and our families would all be much better for it. I think it is easy to be the “strong woman” that the world tries to encourage us to be. It’s easy to be rude and claim it is strength. It’s easy to push others aside and claim it is power. It’s easy to withdraw from others and claim it is thick skin. It is much more difficult to make a conscious effort to be kind, to respond with grace and to do the difficult thing. And that is what defines a strong woman.

 

 

 

 

Pink Shirt Day…

Tomorrow is pink shirt day.

The goal of tomorrow is to raise awareness and funds for anti-bullying campaigns. The story behind this day is actually pretty fantastic:

“David Shepherd, Travis Price and their teenage friends organized a high-school protest to wear pink in sympathy with a Grade 9 boy who was being bullied [for wearing a pink shirt]…[They] took a stand against bullying when they protested against the harassment of a new Grade 9 student by distributing pink T-shirts to all the boys in their school.” (https://www.pinkshirtday.ca/about)

But along with everything else, this movement has become, for some, a publicity stunt, a money grab and something to stroke ones’ ego. Because alone, what does wearing a pink shirt do? Nothing. But damn, if it doesn’t make a company look good or make an individual feel proud to be part of something so big.

A lot of good can potentially come from tomorrow. But a “movement” without action means nothing. Wearing a pink shirt doesn’t end bullying. Wearing a pink shirt won’t dry up tears or mend a broken heart or convince a hurting person that they matter.

So please, before you put your shirt on tomorrow, think of why you’re doing it. What change will be made by your choice of shirt colour? Whose life will be made better because of this day and because of this movement? Let tomorrow be more than simply wearing a different coloured shirt…let it be something that changes the day for someone. Let it be a reminder to brighten someone’s week. Let it be something that changes someone’s life…because the smallest acts of kindest truly do make all the the difference.

When Paradise Becomes Terrifying

I’ve watched alot of Criminal Minds in my time and I’ve always been particularly paranoid about someone breaking into our house while we are asleep. So imagine my shock/surprise/terror when one of the things I am most afraid of happened to us – in a foreign country.

What Happened

I’d been to Mexico four times before this trip and had never felt unsafe. Three of these times I had stayed in Airbnb’s/private homes, eaten in restaurants around town and walked through the streets either alone or with another female friend. So going to Mexico this time, I had my usual travel anxiety, but no worries in terms of safety. Our Airbnb had a sturdy concrete wall around it with a locked gate leading into the complex and each unit of course had locking doors.

What we didn’t realize until after the breakin, was that the kitchen window was able to slide open and did not have a lock on it. Would this have kept them out? Maybe. We won’t ever know. But from what we can tell, the thieves scaled the concrete wall into the courtyard, stood on a large bucket they found in the storage closet they broke into in the yard, opened our kitchen window and climbed inside.

Alot of what happened confuses and amazes me, the first of which is that neither my husband or myself woke up. I’m thankful for this, because who knows what would have happened if we had seen the thieves or been perceived as a threat to them. Another thing that confuses me is that although they took my husband’s iPhone and my Kindle, the thieves left several other electronics and my sunglasses behind, but took our jackets, snorkel equipment, and some other “less important” things. From what was left behind, we think perhaps something scared the thieves off. We also found a large stick left behind on the second bed in the unit, and I’m glad that I don’t know what that was intended for.

What We Did

Once we woke up and realized what happened, we got in contact with the Airbnb host who sent someone over right away and helped us contact the police. We also made a list of what was missing, although we kept thinking of things for days after that we no longer had. Following making a report with the police, we had to go to the Agencia Del Ministerio Publico to give a written statement (and this is what we received a copy of, we did not receive a copy of a police report). In between all this, we canceled my husband’s phone with our service provider, set it to clear through Apple if it ever connects to Wifi or a cell network (unfortunately it was in Airplane mode and has remained in this since – so unfortunately Find my iPhone is also useless), changed passwords on accounts and contacted our insurance company (who, unfortunately, proved to not be very helpful, as our deductible was too high to make a claim worthwhile).

The Airbnb host also installed bars on the sliding window to secure our unit should the thieves decide to return.

**shrug** At least they nicely placed everything from the kitchen outside and didn’t steal my licorice tea??

My Thoughts

Mexico is notorious for being dangerous and for having crooked cops. From our experience with the police, they seemed to genuinely care and were helpful. As far as Mexico being dangerous, my opinion remains that – depending on the area you travel to – if you utilize common sense (don’t walk home in the dark alone and intoxicated) and don’t affiliate with gangs or do drugs you are as safe as you would be back home. Unfortunately, break-ins happen everywhere, and unfortunately this time, it happened to us.

Will I go back? Yes. I enjoy Mexico, particularly Tulum, which is where we were staying. I also hope to help local dog rescues again, which I’ve done on previous trips down. The area we were staying in (La Veleta) is apparently experiencing some problems with break ins, so hopefully this is something that will become less common, especially as the area becomes a bit more developed and populated.

I also have some tips that I learned from this experience, but I’ll share those in a later post, as this one is already getting a little long.

Have you ever been the victim of a crime while traveling? Are you nervous to travel to certain places because of what you’ve heard about them?

“But…there are all these resources! Why are suicide and sexual harassment/assault still happening?”

Last night, while I was scrolling on social media, I came across a post by an organization where they had shared an article about military suicides. In the shared post, the organization had asked why suicides are still happening, in the midst of all the education and resources? I feel like this same question is often still asked in terms of sexual harassment and assault, so I’ve included that in my post as well.

First of all, can we maybe rephrase the question a little? It reads a whole lot to someone struggling as “you have all these resources, why can’t you figure it out/get it together/get over it?” And shockingly enough, adding more guilt is not going to help anyone. Can we maybe ask “how can we (as a society, as a business, as friends) better help those who are struggling?”

I want to share a couple of my thoughts on why the current systems are not working and what might help instead.

There are all these programs put into place to “help” that often really do nothing, or that would be great, but are impossible to access. It’s really awesome to finally muster up the courage to ask a professional for help, only to be told that you’re on a wait list for the next 6+ months or that the fee for this help is more than you can ever afford. (That was sarcasm) It’s fantastic to finally get to see someone and to be confident that they are going to help, only to feel like their advice is not helpful or that they are judging you. (Again, sarcasm) Certain programs are created by well-meaning, and maybe even well-educated individuals, but these individuals have never struggled through what those utilizing the programs have struggled through.

I always love the “Oh! You’re struggling with debilitating depression? Well, if you go to the gym for just 30 minutes a day, the endorphins will make everything better!” Awesome. I haven’t been able to get out of bed or brush my teeth today, but I’ll definitely change my clothes, drive to the gym, and muster up the additional energy to do a workout. Thanks, Tips.

My absolute biggest pet peeve : Programs are often put into place to bolster a company’s reputation or protect them should something go wrong. The recent increase in awareness around mental health and the way that so many people have opened up to tell their stories (ie. with the #metoo movement) has been great, but they’ve also become almost a bandwagon that companies are jumping on. “Oh yes! We have a fitness facility and a juice bar and an office dog and a great mental health initiative!) And certainly some companies do have excellent programs, and let me be the first to say how incredible that is. But others have systems in place that are inaccessible, unsuitable, or just quite frankly, don’t meet the individual’s needs. Simply having some form of a program is not enough (see above).

We have glamorized what the recovery process should look like. I’ll even go as far as to say that we have glamorized what suffering should look like. Like, hey, it’s okay to reach your breaking point and call your friend in tears or even cry in the bathroom at work, but if you reach your breaking point and yell at a colleague or smash something at home, clearly you have bigger problems. That isn’t cool. I think we even glamorize what it’ll look like when we offer our help to our friends. In our minds we picture hugging them while they cry, handing them tissues, maybe staying up all night with them…but I don’t think we picture being messaged for help prior to an important event and having to choose between the event and your friend or that helping may be having the same conversation and repeating the same encouraging words over and over, for months on end, even when you’re beyond annoyed that you’re having this same conversation for the 489th time. At this point, it almost seems that having anxiety or depression is almost considered “cool”, but heaven forbid someone suffer from schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. Those aren’t cool mental illnesses to have.

Even while looking for photos for this post, I typed in “mental health” and up came these photos of fruits and a smiling lady working out and cucumber water…and just…what?! Certainly, healthy eating and staying hydrated and exercising can help, but how is it that these bright, colourful photos are what we use to represent mental health?

We are not prepared to make difficult decisions or to do difficult things in order to stand behind our word. Companies are happy to say “inappropriate sexual behaviour will not be tolerated”, but when the person acting this way is the funny, popular, attractive person in the office, it becomes much more difficult to implement the punishment than when the perpetrator was a faceless “creep”. Suddenly excuses pop up, warnings are given, and things are let go. It is easy to say “we support good mental health and it is important that you put your well-being first”, but when an employee needs time off when the company is short-staffed or during a huge project, suddenly, it isn’t so easy to stand behind their word.

There is so much guilt. Whether you are suffering from a mental illness or are a victim of a form of harassment or assault, you constantly feel so much guilt. You feel guilty that you don’t have the energy to clean your house. You feel guilty if you book off work. You feel guilty because you aren’t recovering faster. You feel guilty for what happened to you. You feel guilty because others have it worse than you. You feel guilty for asking for the same support from friends, over and over again. Then on top of all the guilt you inflict on yourself, you feel guilt from everyone around you (whether it is implied, stated or just assumed). “They provide all these programs to help me, and none helped, clearly this is my fault and I can’t let them know I am struggling.” “My friend stayed up late to talk last week, I can’t burden her with my problems again.” The guilt weighs you down until you just cannot stand it anymore.

The movements are sometimes utilized for self-promotion and not for those suffering. I want to be really careful about how I word this one, because it takes so much courage to admit that you have suffered and I know that this point does not apply to everyone (or even to the majority). I think that whenever there is a popular movement, it is very easy for people to utilize it for attention (perhaps the movement itself was created for attention) and it does not in fact help those who are suffering.

In closing….I don’t pretend to know what the answer is or what will fix things. I think great strides are being made and that awareness is so key to this, but we are not even close to having good systems in place to help those struggling. First and foremost, I believe we need to ask those who are struggling what they need. Each individual person will need something different, even if they are all struggling with something similar. The person struggling is the one who can tell you what sort of program would be helpful or what changes would benefit them. Ask them, anonymously if at all possible if you are part of a workplace. Secondly, stand by your word. If you are a workplace that claims to not tolerate sexual harassment, then when it is reported, you must not victim-blame and you must take immediate and appropriate actions every time. It isn’t easy, but it is quite simple. If you are a friend who claims to be there for your struggling friend, then be there, even when you’re annoyed at the repetitive assurances (side note : of course also take care of yourself and set boundaries as you need). And thirdly, you don’t need to be perfect to help. But you need to be honest and sincere, and perhaps that is exactly what is missing in our world right now.

What do you think? Why do you believe that we still have so many hurting people in our world and how do you think we can better help?

Not Such a Bad Year After All

I said something the other day that wasn’t really true.

I told someone that this year hadn’t been very good.

In the moment, it seemed like a true statement, but in reflection and upon looking back on the year, I’ve realized it wasn’t at all accurate. It has been a difficult year and it has been full of transitions and painful situations, but in all honesty, it has been a good year.

This year contained transitions that I imposed upon myself. It contained transitions that were forced on me. This year I had to fight for myself and what I believed to be right, and even though at this current moment it feels like I’ve lost the battle, I’m beginning to see the benefits that have started to blossom out of it.

This year contained personal struggles, frustrations with health and the need to work through mental health challenges.

This year has been full of travel. Thailand. Newfoundland. Montreal. Waterton. British Columbia.

This year has been full of new friendships. Real friendships with real people. And good people. My word. The kind of people who do things so kind that it makes you want to cry.

This year has been full of realizations of what I want. Of finally looking at myself and being able to say “sure, that would be nice, but it is not who you are”. It has taken an entire year for me to just begin to be able to say this.

This year has been one of risk. Almost out of the blue, I began to pour myself into a “business” I had semi-started the year before and have grown the product line, started an Etsy shop, and have just started a partnership with a local artisan store.

This year has been difficult. As this year comes to a close, I realize that I am not the same person I was when this year started. And I’m thankful for that. I’m happy and content with my life and I have dreams for the future. I have the ability to reach for and achieve these dreams. I’m surrounded by incredible people who love me and who outnumber the not-so-great people that one inevitably meets.

What more could someone ask for?

As this year draws to a close, no matter what it has held for you, I hope you’re able to look back and see at least some bright moments in the year. I hope that awful situations have also led to some happy moments, no matter how few or small. I hope that trials and struggles have left you a stronger and wiser person. And if it’s been one of those years where you can’t yet see the positives, I hope that 2019 is the year that you’re able to.

You Are Not Defined By That Thing

I wanted to share a realization that has gotten me through a difficult time lately. This realization is that you are not defined by that thing.

We tend to define ourselves by certain aspects, whether it is our job, a relationship, a role we play in our lives (ie. mother, sister, grandfather), or any other number of things. I think in extreme cases, we even tend to define ourselves by things that have happened to us. We tend to put so much weight on how these things define us that when they are removed, it’s difficult to know who we actually are. It feels as though we’ve lost ourselves and now it’s difficult to define who we are, even in our own minds.

Of course, every bit of our life does lend itself to who we are and those big important things that we tend to allow to define us have a massive impact on us. But there are so many other things outside of these allegedly “defining matters” that actually make us who we are. You are not “only” a mom, you are someone who loves piano, who adores animals, who is an amazing mom and who is beyond talented at gardening. You are not “only” a surgeon, you are someone who loves tea, who is a fantastic surgeon, who teaches Zumba and who loves to sing. You are not “only” Zach’s girlfriend, you are someone who is working toward her university degree, who is dating Zach, who plays badminton every other day and who has a pretty epic wine collection.

I think that this is one of the reasons that having hobbies and outside passions is so important. Inevitably, as some point in your life (and probably even multiple times), your identity is bound to face a shift. This is when it is so important to realize that there is much, much more that defines you.

I also think that realizing this and stating this gives you power. It gives you power to be who you want to be. It gives you power over those who would like to use that thing to manipulate you. It gives you power to become who and what you actually want to be.

So today, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are not defined by that thing. You are not defined by that relationship that just ended. You are not defined by that job that you just lost or that role that got taken away from you. You are so, so much more.

Oh, and a beautiful thing happens when your identity begins to shift. Other pieces of your identity become larger to fill in where that thing was. New pieces move in and take over that space. That thing is still there, because it was an important part of your life at one point, but it shrinks in importance.

Those Little Gestures

Today a friend surprised me with the most adorable little plant – for no reason other than she saw it and knew I would love it (and I do, just look at how adorable it is!). This got me thinking about how even small gestures can have such huge impacts on others’ days and how important it is to regularly let your friends know you’re thinking of them.

So with this in mind, I’ve compiled a list of simple and free/inexpensive ways you can show your friends and family members that you’re thinking of them and remind them that they are loved.

1) Send an inspirational message! Pinterest is full of great quotes displayed in beautiful ways.

2) In the same vein, deliver a handwritten message along with an inspirational quote (bonus points for sending it in the mail, because who doesn’t love receiving letters!) I love these cards that you can both enjoy and then pass along.

3) If your friend isn’t big into inspirational quotes, send off a funny comic! Pinterest is full of graphics sure to get a giggle and there are even hilarious alternatives to printed quote cards. If you like to be prepared for all situations, I love these hilarious cards where you can check off exactly what you need.

4) Is it cheating if I steal my friend’s idea and suggest to buy flowers/plants? 😉 Bouquets and cut flowers can be pricey and don’t last for long, but it’s very easy to find inexpensive and adorable plants that can be cherished for a long time to come! Check out your favourite garden center, local grocery store or your favourite farmer’s market!

5) Invite your friend for a coffee and a walk. Caffeine? Check. Fresh Air? Check. Bitch sesh? Check check. Bonus points if a furry companion joins, because they can always make one feel better! (Don’t have a furry companion? A local shelter may have one looking for an afternoon adventure to get a break from the kennels. Doing a good deed…massive check!)

No matter how you choose to support your friend or family member, reminding them that they have a support system backing them is one of the most important things you can do!

(This post may contain affiliate links)